You have a mullet/faux hawk.

You gently caress another man's beard.

You're a horse that chugs beer.

You are shameless in your self-promotion.

You have a blue tongue.

You wear women's swimsuits.

You're...whatever this is...

Likely you're on LSD.

You're a male stripper.

Your puke is electric.

You're a creepy goblin.

You're a vampire.

You're passed out on a street corner.

I can't tell what the hell you are..

... Perhaps some kind of alien with a beard? It's unclear...

You get cuddly with a sloth.

Your picture captures you staring at someone else's privates.

You think it's cool to take a "laundromat selfie."

You coordinate outfits to match your pets.

You pour beer down your pants.

You want to exchange heads with your dog.

You can eat this many pancakes.

You wear a tiara made out of antlers.

...also apparently your only interest is pizza...

You walk around naked while carrying your dog.